Life: fencing update
1/3/12 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
neveralarchSo, I haven't really posted about how the fencing season's been since... the first competition of last semester! Time to fix that.
(Man, that cut link looks dire compared to my usual FENCING FENCING FENCING thing. Oh well, it's accurate.)
Basically, I've been quiet because it's been PRETTY SHITTY, haha. I'm fencing well, but the first semester was kind of eh - the Big One was fine, and then at our only other meet last semester I won and lost about an equal amount, and switched off pretty often with one of the freshmen substitutes. We're about at the same level, and beginning the next semester we started switching who was starting even more frequently, and then I got kicked down to substitute during a big competition. I only fenced four bouts there, lost them all, and got incredibly fucked up about it. Fun times!
I get really upset when I'm Not Doing As Well As I Think I Should (tm). Only at fencing, mind. The team doesn't care, as we're super chill, and I'm generally respectful toward my opponent, but I get very frustrated and angry with myself. I'm also a very calm person in everyday life, so I don't have many ideas about what to do with myself when I'm angry. I've cycled through a lot of (mostly poor) coping mechanisms over the last two or so years, and at that competition I landed on 'bite your thumb and index finger a lot, break skin, whine about it, realize you really need to figure your life out.'
Which is actually going pretty well. I went through some misery after that competition, but then I talked to the assistant coach (not super willingly, I hate dealing with emotions and I don't have many of them, so I can usually ignore them), and now I'm doing stuff. I'm meditating during practice every day. I'm seeing a therapist to help develop better coping mechanisms, which is helping some. She's also going to see if she can get me recommendations for a sports psychologist.
But also, I've been fencing better! Which means I'm slightly less angry, haha. I fenced quite a bit at the next competition, which qualified me for regionals! I've nearly qualified twice, but this is the first time I've gotten to go. And I fenced at all of Conference Champs, which was awesome. I only lost two bouts out of twelve, and came second for my position (i.e., second out of all third-spot fencers), and the sabre squad came in third overall. I'm excited for regionals, which is our last competition of the season.
So, yeah. I hope this is coherent at all - there's been a lot going on, but so much of it has just been locked up in my head and me trying to make myself not freak out. But fencing! I'm actually doing really well! This has been a good year (if you just look at results, I mean)! And I thought I would share.
(Man, that cut link looks dire compared to my usual FENCING FENCING FENCING thing. Oh well, it's accurate.)
Basically, I've been quiet because it's been PRETTY SHITTY, haha. I'm fencing well, but the first semester was kind of eh - the Big One was fine, and then at our only other meet last semester I won and lost about an equal amount, and switched off pretty often with one of the freshmen substitutes. We're about at the same level, and beginning the next semester we started switching who was starting even more frequently, and then I got kicked down to substitute during a big competition. I only fenced four bouts there, lost them all, and got incredibly fucked up about it. Fun times!
I get really upset when I'm Not Doing As Well As I Think I Should (tm). Only at fencing, mind. The team doesn't care, as we're super chill, and I'm generally respectful toward my opponent, but I get very frustrated and angry with myself. I'm also a very calm person in everyday life, so I don't have many ideas about what to do with myself when I'm angry. I've cycled through a lot of (mostly poor) coping mechanisms over the last two or so years, and at that competition I landed on 'bite your thumb and index finger a lot, break skin, whine about it, realize you really need to figure your life out.'
Which is actually going pretty well. I went through some misery after that competition, but then I talked to the assistant coach (not super willingly, I hate dealing with emotions and I don't have many of them, so I can usually ignore them), and now I'm doing stuff. I'm meditating during practice every day. I'm seeing a therapist to help develop better coping mechanisms, which is helping some. She's also going to see if she can get me recommendations for a sports psychologist.
But also, I've been fencing better! Which means I'm slightly less angry, haha. I fenced quite a bit at the next competition, which qualified me for regionals! I've nearly qualified twice, but this is the first time I've gotten to go. And I fenced at all of Conference Champs, which was awesome. I only lost two bouts out of twelve, and came second for my position (i.e., second out of all third-spot fencers), and the sabre squad came in third overall. I'm excited for regionals, which is our last competition of the season.
So, yeah. I hope this is coherent at all - there's been a lot going on, but so much of it has just been locked up in my head and me trying to make myself not freak out. But fencing! I'm actually doing really well! This has been a good year (if you just look at results, I mean)! And I thought I would share.
